PERSONAL NOTE:
I apologize for being somewhat sporadic in my contributions as of late. Unfortunately, my 91 year-old uncle (by marriage) has been admitted to the hospital three times in the last two months.
Fortunately, they were able to get him stabilized and into the Cardiac Rehab unit. Last week we were able to move him to an Assisted Living facility. He hopes to make it back to his apartment, but I’m not sure as he’s still on 2 Liters of O2 with barely acceptable FiO2s.
His 83 year-old sister (my aunt) lives less than a mile from me, and doesn’t drive, except to the grocery store and church. He has a son (cousin), but he lives on the other side of the Metro, so I’ve become the designated driver for his sister – and it’s a little over a half-hour drive one-way to the Assisted Living place.
But it did get me thinking that maybe I could use a little medical humor to lighten the moment.
So I’ll begin with a classic story that’s frequently told on your first day of Medical School orientation:
Brand new M-1s (First-Year) medical students were being oriented to their anatomy class involving a cadaver. They gathered around the stainless steel tank with the body covered by a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling the students:
“In medicine, there are at least three important qualities a physician must possess: The first is absolute Respect for your patients, so treat these cadavers with respect during your dissections.
“The second is that you absolutely cannot be disgusted by anything involving the Human Body”.
As an example, the anatomy professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his gloved-finger in the rectum of the corpse, slowly withdrew it and then put his finger in his mouth.
“Now I want each one of you to do the same thing,”
Stunned, the M-1s hesitated for a long moment before one brave soul broke the ice and did as instructed. Slowly, with great hesitation, they all stepped forward to take their turns doing the same exam, and all with disgusted faces.
When everyone finished, the professor looked at them shaking his head, and informed them: “The third most important quality is Observation. If you had paid attention you would have noted I stuck my middle finger in the rectum, but sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention.”
Let’s enjoy a few actual entries by medical students in patients’ charts – obviously oblivious to the third quality: PAY ATTENTION!
By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.
On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had completely disappeared.
She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband said she was very hot in bed last night.
Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
The patient refused an autopsy.
The patient has no past history of suicides.
The patient’s past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 45 pound weight gain in the past three days.
She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early January.
Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
She is numb from her toes down.
While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.
When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.
The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
And I’ll close with this well-meaning health information sign that was clearly created by a republican:
4 Responses to “Weekend Wisecracks: Medical Student Bloopers”
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Thanks Nameless and those kinds of mistakes drive the claims personnel nuts when making payment determinations, when sufficiently legible to read (although may include smiles, too).
I am so sorry abut your uncle – though glad he is in assisted living, even though it’s a drive. 30 minutes in the city likely doesn’t get you too far (in that amoun tof time I can generally get to Pueblo on the interstate.) but it’s almost certainly more of a pain. As you habituate yourself it likely will get easier – at least I hope so. All my best to you, uncle, and aunt at this tough time. You and they come first.
That said, oh my. I couldn’t stop giggling. And the sign – you can’t even defend it by saying it’s the right letters, just in the wrong places, because there’s one “A” too many and one “E” too few. What a hoot. Thank you for the cheer!
So sorry to hear about your uncle’s health problems and all the other problems that derive from that, Nameless.
I’m not sure if the medical humour you collected for us cheered you up in any way, but it sure got a smile on my face. The Republican health sign is hilarious; “pathologycal diagnostic” indeed.
Prayers up for your uncle and aunt and to you also, Nameless.
Your post on the medical students in patients’ charts….omg. Hilarious!
Do take good care. Thanks! for your post.