Here are a couple items to tickle your funny bone. First, the Borowitz Report.
In a new video that is light on his usual threats but heavy on admiration, Osama bin Laden admits that he is “professionally envious” of oil giant BP’s massive oil spill, saying that it puts his efforts to create destruction and chaos to shame.
“There are times in an evildoer’s life when one has to stand back and admire a job well done,” Mr. bin Laden says in the video. “BP, you blow me away.”
The Al-Qaeda mastermind adds that his first thought upon seeing BP’s spill was, “Man, I’ve got to step up my game.”
Mr. bin Laden claims in the video that he rarely feels envious towards other evildoers, but says he likes “to use that energy to push myself to be the best terrorist I can be.”
As for the envy he felt after seeing BP’s handiwork, the madman says, “I haven’t felt this way since the whole Toyota thing.” More Borowitz here.
Next, Bill Maher is often irreverent and sometimes offensive, but virtually always funny. Here are New Rules for 5/28.
As a break from our serious political study, I thought I’d give you three very funny pieces.
First, here is a wonderful email I received from my friend Sandi.
In her radio show, Dr Laura Schlesinger said that, as an observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22, and cannot be condoned under any circumstance. The following response is an open letter to Dr. Laura, penned by a US resident, which was posted on the Internet. It’s funny, as well as informative:
Dear Dr. Laura:
Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God’s Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination … End of debate.
I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some other elements of God’s Laws and how to follow them.
1. Leviticus 25:44 states that I may possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can’t I own Canadians?
2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?
3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of Menstrual uncleanliness – Lev.15: 19-24. The problem is how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.
4. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord – Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?
5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself, or should I ask the police to do it?
6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination, Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don’t agree. Can you settle this? Are there ‘degrees’ of abomination?
7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle-room here?
8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?
9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?
10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev.19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? Lev.24:10-16. Couldn’t we just burn them to death at a private family affair, like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)
I know you have studied these things extensively and thus enjoy considerable expertise in such matters, so I’m confident you can help.
Thank you again for reminding us that God’s word is eternal and unchanging.
Your adoring fan.
James M. Kauffman, Ed.D.
Professor Emeritus, Dept. Of Curriculum, Instruction, and Special Education
University of Virginia
(It would be a damn shame if we couldn’t own a Canadian 🙂
I’d like to own a Canadian too. Wouldn’t you?
The second is from Andy Borowitz.
MINNEAPOLIS (The Borowitz Report) – In a sign of his increasing prominence in the so-called Tea Party movement, a new poll shows Kentucky senatorial candidate Rand Paul topping former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin among voters who describe themselves as morons.
In the poll, conducted by the University of Minnesota’s Opinion Research Institute, 42% preferred Paul, 36% preferred Palin, and the remaining 22% were unsure what the word “prefer” meant.
According to Davis Logsdon, who supervised the poll for the University of Minnesota, Paul’s surging popularity among morons is bad news for Palin, who previously had a lock on that important constituency.
“I never thought I’d say this, but if Palin is going to stay competitive with Paul, she’s going to have to start dumbing down her message.” More here.
He is a classic! But in Minnesota, shouldn’t that be a three way race including Michelle Bachmann?
Finally, here are Bill Maher’s New Rules from May 21.
Warning: profanity
He outdid himself on this one.
To see all the videos I’ve uploaded to You Tube, click here.
On Thursday, Rep. Steve King (R-IA) took to the floor of the House to rail against the Obama administration’s policies on immigration and combating terrorism. King complained that Obama is against racial profiling, saying “it had better be used” in cases involving, for example, “a young Middle Eastern male.” He added, however, that racial profiling couldn’t be the “exclusive component” of screening people:
KING: He has said to all of his Federal officers from the White House down, ICE, CBP, Border Patrol, all of them, well, he really doesn’t want to see immigration law enforced. And it’s clear, of course, that he doesn’t want to have racial profiling used, and I would agree with him–as an exclusive component. However, if it’s part of the other indicators, it had better be used. Would we say that we can’t use as an indicator when it comes time to enforce the law against international terrorism that a young Middle Eastern male cannot be considered as one of the factors? We’ve kind of said that when people go through the airport. I think it’s wrong. I think it’s foolish. And in fact, Mr. Speaker, I think it’s downright stupid to set aside our common sense for the sake of political correctness.
Watch it:
What is ironic about King’s endorsement of using the race of a “young Middle Eastern male” to profile terrorist suspects is the fact that the last major attempted terror attacks in the United States were not commited by men from the Middle East. Faisal Shazad, the chief suspect in the attempted Times Square bombing, is an American citizen originally from the country of Pakistan, which is located in southwest Asia on the Indian subcontinent. Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab, the chief suspect in the Christmas Day bombing attempt, is from Nigeria, which is located on the continent of Africa.
As a counterterrorism strategy, racial profiling is completely ineffective. A study released last year by the Proceedings of the National Academies of Science conducted a mathematical analysis to compare random screenings to racial profiling. It found that racial profiling is “no more effective” than using the random method in detecting terrorists… [emphasis original]
Were it not for a Muslim American, the time square bomber might have gotten away. Most Muslim Americans are every bit as loyal to our nation than you or I, but Bush and the GOP tried to win support for their war for oil and conquest in Iraq by making it a jihad against Islam. Followers of the bogus GOP Supply-side Jesus love jihad. Republicans refuse to abandon their bigotry, because their base is 99.44% pure bigoted hate-mongers. If racial profiling were an effective way to prevent terrorism, even I might be inclined to support it. But since it is no more effective than random selection, racial profiling serves only as a smoke screen to justify Republican racism.
Fortunately the majority of Americans are different from that.
A 24-year-old Arab American from Michigan beat out 50 other women to take the 2010 Miss USA title Sunday night, despite nearly stumbling in her evening gown.
Rima Fakih of Dearborn, Mich., won the pageant at the Planet Hollywood Resort & Casino on the Las Vegas Strip after strutting confidently in an orange and gold bikini, wearing a strapless white gown that resembled a wedding dress and saying health insurance should cover birth control pills.
When asked how she felt about winning the crown, she said, "Ask me after I’ve had a pizza."
Fakih, a Lebanese immigrant, told pageant organizers her family celebrates both Muslim and Christian faiths. She moved to the United States as a baby and was raised in New York, where she attended a Catholic school. Her family moved to Michigan in 2003…
I congratulate Fakih on her achievement and the judges for not bowing to GOP racism. I have no doubt that the right wing noise machine will give us a redux of their outrage over Carrie ‘sex tape’ Prejean’s loss. Since the runner up was Miss Oklahoma, I predict that Inhofe needs an underwear change.
I’ve heard that the right wing is trying to compare Obama attending the Correspondents’ Dinner with Crawford Caligula’s fiddling while New Orleans drowned.
First, once we realized that BP had lied about the size and severity of this disaster, ordained in Cheney’s secret meetings with oil company executives, Obama has deployed competent people to deal with the disaster to the maximum extent possible. Except for a wishy-washy position on offshore drilling, his response has been praiseworthy.
Second, there is nothing that his failure to attend the dinner could have done to lessen the plight of Gulf Coast residents.
I intended to watch, but alas, I was so tired I slept through the whole thing. Fortunately I found his speech in case you missed it too.
Part One
Part Two
I think Obama was both funny and wise in what he said.
The First Church of the Ellipsoid Orb has many holy days. Often unnoticed among the uninitiated are the Days of Selection of Acolytes. On these days, those deemed most worthy are selected to serve in one of the church’s thirty two orders. The First Day contained a special blessing. Here are the results:
Pick #
NFL Team
Player
1
STL
Bradford, Sam, QB, Oklahoma
2
DET
Suh, Ndamukong, DT, Nebraska
3
TB
McCoy, Gerald, DT, Oklahoma
4
WAS
Williams, Trent, OT, Oklahoma
5
KC
Berry, Eric, SS, Tennessee
6
SEA
Okung, Russell, OT, Oklahoma State
7
CLE
Haden, Joe, CB, Florida
8
OAK
McClain, Rolando, LB, Alabama
9
BUF
Spiller, C.J., RB, Clemson
10
JAX
Alualu, Tyson, DE, California
11
SF
Davis, Anthony, OT, Rutgers
12
SD
Mathews, Ryan, RB, Fresno State
13
PHI
Graham, Brandon, DE, Michigan
14
SEA
Thomas, Earl, SS, Texas
15
NYG
Pierre-Paul, Jason, DE, South Florida
16
TEN
Morgan, Derrick, DE, Georgia Tech
17
SF
Iupati, Mike, OG, Idaho
18
PIT
Pouncey, Maurkice, C, Florida
19
ATL
Weatherspoon, Sean, LB, Missouri
20
HOU
Jackson, Kareem, CB, Alabama
21
CIN
Gresham, Jermaine, TE, Oklahoma
22
DEN
Thomas, Demaryius, WR, Georgia Tech
23
GB
Bulaga, Bryan, OT, Iowa
24
DAL
Bryant, Dez, WR, Oklahoma State
25
DEN
Tebow, Tim, QB, Florida
26
ARI
Williams, Dan, DT, Tennessee
27
NE
McCourty, Devin, CB, Rutgers
28
MIA
Odrick, Jared, DT, Penn State
29
NYJ
Wilson, Kyle, CB, Boise State
30
DET
Best, Jahvid, RB, California
31
IND
Hughes, Jerry, DE, TCU
32
NO
Robinson, Patrick, CB, Florida State
Those of you who know me well, know that I worship in the Denver Order. The acquisition of former Heisman Trophy winner, Tim Tebow, by my order was completely unexpected. This has left me in a state of religious ecstasy, which may last for several seasons.
In a new video that is light on his usual threats but heavy on admiration, Osama bin Laden admits that he is “professionally envious” of oil giant BP’s massive oil spill, saying that it puts his efforts to create destruction and chaos to shame.
