Feb 102017
 

Being of Scandinavian stock, I take much pride (with tongue firmly planted in cheek) that Ikea is stepping up to help Popular-Vote-Loser Trump to “Build That Wall”.

From someone who has put together my fair-share of Ikea’s flat-pack furniture following their rage-inducing instruction manuals (“child’s play” my foot), this project is promised to be easy-peasy.

Press Secretary, Sean “Alternative Facts – PERIOD!” Spicer, has announced that Twitler is seriously studying the Ikea proposal for the “Börder Wåll”

So let’s take a look at how Ikea envisions its “Börder Wåll”.

Beautiful, isn’t it?  (You gotta love the little guy’s sombrero)  But one of its main pluses is that it’s going to be a LOT cheaper than the estimates of building the wall put forth by Trump ($12 BILLION), Ryan/McConnell ($15 BILLION) and the recently announced estimate of $21.6 BILLION – AND take 3.5 years to complete – by the U.S. Department of Homeland Security.

Ikea is pricing this gem at a mere $9,999,999,999.99.  And it can conveniently be picked up in their iconic flat-pack (well, a rather YUUUGE one – or maybe several) at your nearest Ikea store. 

There is some assembly required, but it comes with their familiar instruction manual.  And it only takes two people to put it together!  (Okay, so that’s NOT going to help with his promised expansion of the labor force.  Oh, well – you can’t have everything.)

And Ikea promises its “12,000-page instruction manual with easy-to-understand pictures makes construction child’s play.”  To illustrate how easy it is to put Ikea products together, a brief video (and I think we’ve found the ideal pair to get “That Wall” built):

As always, first check to be sure that your package contains all the parts necessary for construction.  Inside your “Börder Wåll” box you should find:

• 471,612 wall panels

• 754,579 cotter pins

• 313,329 yards of concertina wire

• 1,886,448 short screws

• 3,772,896 long screws

• 1 two-sided hex key (Just one?  This item sounds troublingly easy to misplace)

But in the end we’ll have our promised beautiful wall of pressboard with birch veneer standing 33ft (10 m) tall and extending 1,954 miles (3,144 km) along our border with Mexico.  (The height and length can be extended as desired with additional units.)  Plus it has the usual Ikea 5-year warranty!

And fortunately Ikea has announced that it’s already working on related, complimentary products that will compatible with the “Börder Wåll” – such as the “Gåwk” watchtower and the “Råtåtåtåtåtå” spring-gun.

How about enjoying a flying overview of that border?  It’s a video from 200,000 Google satellite photos stitched together to give you an idea how absolutely absurd Twitler’s idea actually is.

RESOURCE

Ikea “Börder Wåll”

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